


Chains That Bind Me

by Chemi



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Trauma, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Ideation, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 08:49:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9171817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chemi/pseuds/Chemi
Summary: Victor didn't notice that the water was a bit too hot as he stepped in.His mind was tearing up old nightmares.Shouting.His mother screaming with the dominate voice screaming right back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Oopsie I made a vent fic \^-^/  
> THIS MAY BE TRIGGERING. READ WITH CAUTION.

I'm over reacting, Victor tried to reason with himself.  
I'm okay now. Everything is okay now.  
His mind didn't listen.  
They had returned to their apartment after practice about an hour ago.  
Yuuri had showered and crashed into bed immediately, where he still currently resides.  
But Victor.....couldn't sleep.  
His mind wouldn't let him.  
He tried.  
But finally he gave up, and dragged himself out of bed quietly.  
Maybe a hot shower would help get his mind under control.  
As the water warmed, Victor pulled off his shirt and the rest of his clothing, wincing as his sore muscles ached.  
He had reached for a towel when his eyes fell onto his nude reflection, naturally zeroing in on his thighs.  
Faded white lines that could only truly be seen if you squint hard.  
But to Victor, they still stood out as if they were freshly made.  
For a second, he wishes they were.  
His breath rushed out of his lungs.  
No.  
No he's okay now.  
He's not alone and he has a great life and everything is OKAY.  
Victor didn't notice that the water was a bit too hot as he stepped in.  
His mind was tearing up old nightmares.  
Shouting.  
His mother screaming with the dominate voice screaming right back.  
Glass shattering followed by the sound of his mom crying.  
NO.  
Victor pushed the heels of his palms into his watering eyes.  
That doesn't matter anymore.  
He's an adult now.  
He's oka-  
Curled up under his baby blanket, 5 years old, terrified.  
Yelling.  
Sudden pain.  
His is back sore and a bruise is forming in the shape of a beer bottle.  
No no no no no  
Similar to how his back hurt now-  
STOP  
He WAS crying now.  
Tears were rolling out down his face to mingle with the water.  
Coming home from school to find his mother crying over what was meant to be dinner that had been tossed onto the floor.  
Nights sleeping in hotel rooms because the rent couldn't be payed.  
Yelling.  
Always yelling.  
He was so alone so alone so alone.  
Why didn't his teachers notice?  
Looking back, all the signs were there.  
Lack of motivation, flinching at loud noises, avoidance of people, scared a lot, refusing to participate in physical exercise, not doing his work in class.  
Why didn't they help him?  
This isn't helping me.  
Thinking about this won't help me.  
I will never have to experience that again.  
But why did his mom always criticize him?  
Why couldn't she ever be happy?  
Why wasn't she proud of him? All the nights in his early teen years spent crying with sharp comforts only to put on a innocent mask the next morning as he entered the rink as if he hadn't wanted to end his life just hours before.  
It didn't really change as he became Victor Nikiforov.  
Gold medals meaning nothing. In fact, he often daydreamed of hanging himself with them. Because there was so much yelling why won't they stop yelling please-  
Victor has sunken to his knees in the tub, the shower pelting against his back.  
"So many people had it worse Victor. And they didn't slice up their skin." His mom hissed, not caring when he finches away in fear.  
They had left the man with blood made of alcohol behind, but it didn't stop.  
His mom had been turned into someone he didn't recognize anymore.  
Then he got Makkachin. Makkachin was his only true friend. Makkachin was a reason to live. When Victor had finally reached the age of 18, he got out.  
Yakov helped him settle into his own apartment, his dog right by his side.  
Every day was dedicated to the ice because that was the only thing Victor was good at.  
He wasn't the pathetic little boy, no, on the ice he was a living legend in the process of making it big.  
He cut his hair, dawned a playboy persona and didn't focus on anything except for his newest way to surprise the world.  
It worked.  
Time flew by in a daze of camera flashes and questions and soon enough five gold medals hung from his neck.  
He smiled but it didn't always reach his eyes.  
But then this young Japanese boy danced into his life, literally, and it changed everything.  
He broke down the facade to see Victor, not his childhood idol.  
He made Victor feel things.  
Made Victor WANT to live.  
For the first time in his life, Victor felt loved.  
So why is he weeping in the shower on his knees like some sick stray?  
Over the past?  
When the present is so good?  
He didn't have the right to cry and mourn his past because really it's not like he was physically abused or sexually assaulted.  
He needed to get over himself.  
He's being weak. Pathetic. Selfish.  
"Vitya?"  
The soft voice was hardly there over the sound of the water and Victors disgusting sobbing.  
But his lover was there.  
Shutting off the water that had been turning Victors skin bright red.  
"Victor love...what's wrong honey?"  
Victor couldn't speak, a chocked sob ripping from his throat instead as Yuuri gathered the Russian into his arms.  
When Victor could finally form words they were,"I'm sorry,"  
To which Yuuri made a noise of disapproval and kissed him on the forehead.  
"Let me take care of you." Yuuri whispered making more tears fall from wounded blue eyes.  
Victor nodded, allowing Yuuri to dry him off, pull on his pajamas and pull him into their bed.  
By then Victors sobs had died and the tears had slowed considerably.  
Yuuri played with his hair, encouraging Victors body to relax.  
"I'm sorry I woke you up." Victors voice was shot, raspy and painful.  
"Shush. You know I can't sleep without you." Yuuri kissed him gently, fingers still running through the silver hair.  
"I...."  
"You don't have to talk about it. It's okay." Yuuri's eyes melted Victors soul into mush.  
"I'm Just.....it's so stupid.....I'm so stupid. It all happened so long ago but I still whine about it and it's just-" Yuuri's lips cut him off.  
"You could never be stupid Victor Katsuki-Nikiforov."  
Victor smiled for the first time in hours.  
He steadied himself before finally telling his husband everything leading up to their meeting.  
Yuuri listened, understanding and supportive.  
When Victor was finished, Yuuri pulled him into a crushing hug.  
"I love you I love you I love you,"Yuuri refused to release him causing Victor to giggle.  
"You, Victor, are not weak. Or pathetic. Or selfish. Your past is a part of you. What you went through then is absolutely horrible. It's completely understandable why that is still effecting you. You're so strong my love. So strong."  
Victor was crying again which flustered Yuuri.  
"I love you so much my katsudon. So much."


End file.
